LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF ALIENMAN

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF ALIENMAN

I, Vismay Harani (more popularly known as Alienman!) aged 20 years (occupation: – ……………..let’s talk about this later) hereby write my final will. Any wills written previously are revoked under the soon to be defunct laws of Government of India. I am writing this will freely and under no duress. I am as neurotic, psycho pathetic, woozy, noodles loving asshole as you have last seen, in short am enjoying sublime mental illness and complete mental disorder to be appropriately called as sane. I of course do not comprehend what I have written so far and have no idea what I am going to write next!

Okay before we go into the details of my all encompassing, mind-bogglingly huge, copiously over brimming chunks of gold, money, gems and other loot, let’s primarily understand the reasons behind an awesome guy like Vismay, contemplating death so early in his age….!!

1)      J.K. Rowling decided not to write Harry Potter anymore and went casually ahead in filling its vacancy by some other book whose name was on the tip of my tongue but could no longer remember what it exactly is right now.

2)      Dejection at failing to be popular overnight. When a guy happens to be at least a million times more handsome than pallid Robert Pattinson, have a voice that though not sickly sweet as Justin in Beaver but manly all the same, a brain must faster than that of Chacha Chaudhary’s, a body bulge greater than that of the Hulk…….in short a mighty Alpha Male, is bound to feel sad when he does not draw the admiration from the usual quarters (drop dead blonde chicks!).

3)      Dismal Friends. A guy has his Lakshman Rekha of anger. Imagine a person, who burns the midnight oil in order to write the greatest literary pieces only to be shot down by the hardly encouraging reaction of his stupid, low browed, sorry excuse of friends..! The most illuminating criticism that I ever felt coming from their side is ‘Vismay yaar, you write f*@king long (I cannot openly write expletives on the net, Kapil Sibal is after me, he wants to close my blog. Help Anonymous Hackers!). I am thoroughly disappointed in you guys!!

4)      My future Girlfriend (Em Watson) is changing boyfriends faster than a kid changing his diaper after doing susu-potty inside it!

Now that you are well-versed with the plight of the fellow from your brethren, it is my prime duty to inform you how I am going to die. Some very intelligent people out there have mentioned that ‘Dying at the right time is the art’. Hell, I just googled the phrase. Gautama Buddha has violated my copyrights of the aforesaid statement…!!! Get creative, Siddhartha!

Out of necrobiosis, necrosis, clinical death, brain death, Somatic death, drowning, cardiac arrest, bleeding to death, getting charred, decapitation, suicide, electrocution, explosive decompression, hanging – I choose to die cowering in Lakshmi Mittal’s opulent bunker!!

Oh, you don’t remember? Guys its 2012!!!! Our lives are going to be f*@ked up by mighty nature!  We all gonna die!

As of Today, I own following things which I would like to consider for division after my death:-

1)      Imagine what Fort Knox would smell like if it was transported to 304 Shreeji Apt, 28 Kadamnagar, Nizampura. Imagine if all the gems from the mines of Golconda were to be stashed in Vismay’s bed room. At this junction of time guys, you have to imagine all this as I am not, as of now a mega-rich author who enjoys sucking blood by selling hard-bound books!! I just have the potential to be one, but that is cut short by this December deadline!!!!

2)      I am auctioning Em’s kiss on eBay. This is something that was supposed to happen to me if this stupid Nature would give me chance to go ahead with my future plans…! But of course, we face the sword hanging at our spindly necks.

If she survives the disaster (scenario unlikely), if you think you can survive, then get set on eBay. Base Price of a million dollars. Want it. Get it.

It’s of course possible that we may all die and primitive penguioid become the next intelligent species. If they don’t brush their teeth, then Em won’t be kissing anyone of them!!

3)      My books. I would undoubted follow the barbaric Sati system. They are supposed to die with me…!!!

4)      MY GREATEST POSSESSION: – My Blog!!!!!!! Unfortunately enough for you guys, S.E.T.I. (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) is presently selling my blog to the aliens by competitive bidding.

The winner will have the sole access to this universal treasure!!!

So long, and thanks for all the shit!!!!! May you die in pain!!!

Happy deaths to you all.

This is Alienman saying Goodbye!!!!!!

Both the witnesses are present while writing and signing this will.

Testator signature,                                                          Witnesses’ Signature

Name: Vismay Harani