The Anti-Ghoos Man!!!!

You might actually chance upon asking me, where do I live exactly?

Earth, would be my brusque answer.

You might also complain about not seeing me anywhere, not on the hoardings, not sharing the dais with hotshots like Mr. Hazare  of I.A.C., not saving lives out there, not endorsing Fair N’ Handsome for a change………

Sir, you don’t actually see me as I live in a different dimension.

You might actually think me of as a smart ass, but that’s actually the truth.

If you might ask me what I was doing right now in this different dimension, I would answer that I was trying to swat aside the fly that had settled over my nose.

You see, reader, my hands were tied at the back, my legs too were not faring well and I wasn’t much able to sit on my ass.

You might ask, what I was doing there and also add as an afterthought as to why I could not sit on my ass? Give reason. Also state whether it is humanely possible to sit in any other manner…….. 5 marks.

The above question asks that why I am not able to sit on my ass. The answer to the question would be:-

a)      I was an alien who considered sitting on his ass, bad manners.

b)      I was stupid.

c)       I liked red bull too much. (As Trees: Fruits :: Red Bull: Wings, so going by this logic I have been hovering in the sky for quite some time and as a result my ass contemplated retirement and was mulling over various exit options. But of course you could not possibly retire it.)

d)      I was in pain.

The most likely amongst these options was actually the last one, as you might have already conjectured by my rather uncomfortable plight. And that was of course true.

As to the question is it possible to sit in any other manner? I don’t think it likely, but of course that can be addressed to as my possibly lacking imagination.

But of course you aren’t actually here to listen to me blabbering? You are here for a fight.

Well of course you will get a fight. Right now I am at the receiving end.

You see, in my past birth I happened to be a very corrupt politician. And the Krishna’s thumb rule  states that, “There exists a scale which measures your Karma. If you had been a badass in your last birth, well, it would have been lot better if you hadn’t showed up in this birth, as you would be receiving a bone crushing, jaw-slacking, ears ringing, ass numbing solid pasting.”

My opponent was Mr. Kejriwal and he was dominating……….

Yes readers, your hero, whom you adore, love and worship was writhing in pain………

But just when my eyes were closing, when my legs were giving themselves away,when  my hands due to their being tied, could not defend me from the torrent of jabs and punches that were being hurled at me, when my body was crouched in an unrespectable position, when the fly was refusing to budge from its cream position, I got a divine calling…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

In a country called Decadent, where the Jackals rule,

Over the sheep abundant in this land that are miserable fools.

Where the squawk of the crow is considered the voice of the herd,

They call this democracy, is there anything more unheard?

Their bellies (jackal’s) bulge as they skin the sheep alive,

Of grass, fig and fodder, the sheep, they deprive.

They throw a banquet, on sheep’s flesh they pound,

And drink their blood and call for the next round.

They stash all the fodder in their Swiss Banks,

And moan that drought has hit their grassy, leafy land.

They even hang the crow by its neck,

If it starts muttering the cacophonous truth, cursing its tongue black.

Out of this turmoil, grew a tumultuous lamb,

That decided to have the Jackals’ mouth to be clamped.

It covered its eyes, and threw a cape around its back,

And became the Anti-Ghoos Man.

If I tell you, rather truthfully, then I must say my feeble mind hardly understood what His Divine Majesty wanted to say, and to my ears it sounded like discordant high-pitch grumbling. But I liked the tone of it and it suffused me with warmth, excitement, optimism and a burning yearning to hit someone hard……!!

In short, I developed Hulk like qualities for a very short duration of time. With just a flick of my wrists, the ropes that held my hands bound tightly together shredded into a million fibrous strands. Jostling with my legs I got rid of the ropes that held it together.

The king was back into the ring!! I must say, much to my delight, that this gig made Mr. Kejriwal frown with uncertainty and a wee bit of fear. I smiled the smile that was the trademarked smile of Alienman, errr…  me.

What Mr. Kejriwal thought was of course what he would have thought under normal circumstances. Fuming over the fact (subjective) that the rope manufacturer had indulged in malpractices and had in fact (again subjective) cheated him by selling him a poor quality rope that could not even bind a thin and cadaverous enterprising young man, errr… me, he brought out his hand in what would have been a cheek rippling (in waves!) slap, had I not been fast enough, I would have tottered down on ground, embracing mother Earth.

But it has been mentioned before, that I have nerves of steel and the B.S.N.L. super speed network, so I deflected his jab with my right hand and  I lashed out with my left arm, the hand curled into a tight fist, aiming for his stomach.

But even before my fist touched his paunch, a thunder crackled over my head that somehow managed to singe every hair on my body, without burning me. In short, there was a sort of a force field that protected him……!!!

This time, God roared at me……..

In a country called Decadent, where the Jackals rule,

Over the sheep abundant in this land that are miserable fools.

Where the squawk of the crow is considered the voice of the herd,

They call this democracy, is there anything more unheard?

Their bellies (jackal’s) bulge as they skin the sheep alive,

Of grass, fig and fodder, the sheep, they deprive.

They throw a banquet, on sheep’s flesh they pound,

And drink their blood and call for the next round.

They stash all the fodder in their Swiss Banks,

And moan that drought has hit their grassy, leafy land.

They even hang the crow by its neck,

If it starts muttering the cacophonous truth, cursing its tongue black.

Out of this turmoil, grew a……..

“Okay, okay, I get it……!!! This man is not to be touched. Then what am I supposed to do?”

God pondered it over and called out, “You are supposed to be Anti-Ghoos Man”.

“What?”

His Supreme Majesty cleared his throat, “You are supposed to be Anti-Ghoos Man. Ghoos means bribery. You are supposed to stem out the rot in the country. You are supposed to put a stop to corruption in general.”

“How cool is that? Will I be given any powers?”

The Lord of the Universe scratched his head. After what could have been infinite years or just a moment, God answer, “R.T.I.”

“What cat is that?”

“Right to Information Act.”

“What am I supposed to do with it, pour some milk?”

“Ahem, ahem….That’s why this guy is here; to give you a few tips in becoming the Anti-Ghoos Man you are destined to be.”

“But that’s not fair, all he does is punching me and clawing at me and all that.”

“Well, I never said the road ahead would be easy. You have to steel your heart and bite the bullet. And always remember, ‘With Great Power comes Great Responsibilities’.”

“Dear God?”

“Yes, son?”

“There were a lot of clichés in what you said.”

“I like Spiderman”, God said, rather hotly.

“No problem.”

“Be good.”

“Sure.”

“Beat the crap out of the politicians.”

“Definitely.”

While I was having this wonderful tête-à-tête with God, Mr. Kejriwal stayed frozen in what could be said as a defending position.

I suddenly saw him in new light. This guy is going to be my teacher for the next few days…….!

Yup ladies and gentleman, I am soon going to play a dominant and a larger than life role in Indian Politics.

For my exploits, watch out this space……………………………..