Bella, oh Bella!!!!!

Oh dear, my love is NOT like a red, red rose,

No dear, I cannot bear the tantrum that she throws.

With a thousand thorns wedged inside my undead heart,

In another man’s arm, off she departs.

Without a care or a goddamn concern,

For my colgate-white fangs and my face that glistens in sun.

Nor does she care for my super speed,

As she discovered that Rupert Sanders is all she needs.

My, my, what use is this beauty?

With no one to ogle my pale skin and whistle a flutie.

Oh Jacob, why did I fight with you?!!

For a thing so frail and ephemeral as dew.

Ah! She smells finger lickin’ good,

Ah! She tastes finger lickin’ good.

Oh wasted opportunity, I must have sunk my teeth,

Into her neck and done with it.

Oh Paparazzi, go away,

Leave me alone in my gray.

Let go of me, Ms. Meyer,

This ballad wasn’t meant to foster…

Enough Edward– you have cried,

For a Bella that’s always clumsy and petrified.

GO OUT!! Explore the world!!

Thousands of sexy beauties, for you, have swooned and curled.

Damn you Bella, for your fickle taste,

And that too for a middle-aged date.

The girls await me Bella, wish me no ill,

For I would make you jealous, I definitely will…