The radio waves can reach them, but not me. Maybe they consider me uncouth, harsh, crude and raggedly. Who am I kidding, there isn’t no ‘maybe’! Here I am playing text messages with them. They try to send multimedia text messages to my mobile device, and I with my baby’s limited applications try like hell to satisfy them. Of course, on an alien planet, Vodafone isn’t actually able to provide network services; as a result they provided me their own version.
You may ask me, who I am? Well, there isn’t anything romantic knowing about the protagonist’s plight who is soon gonna be cauterized, well, that’s what I think……But to satiate your appetite I may say that I am a 5’10” tall, mal nutritioned, thick-spectacled young gun who set out to prove the world wrong. Don’t laugh at me, I don’t think you could have expected a scientist- specializing in well- cow feces, of all people, to be caught by these unexpectedly beautiful aliens?
A gigantic force field is what’s separating me from that smart little lab assistant who is furiously jotting down something on some scrap of paper. (It’s electronic version, of course!!) They know exactly what I am thinking, maybe not specifically at what time I am thinking because Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle comes into picture. So right now, they might be viewing my wet dreams in HD quality, of my teens, who knows!! Maybe they would have attuned it at the right equilibrium if they were smart, which of course they were. But right now, I may say that few hundred of these technicians are poking their noses in my fragile little bean shaped brain, dishing out its content for their superiors to ogle.
So meanwhile, in their extremely genial way, they are trying to humor me by showing their best parts of planet-history. I think I might have been interested, if I could understand it!! Well, my each text was cracked by the best decoders they had on their planet, but how can they expect a single, stupid person like me to get an inkling of their achievements by those complex and weird diagrams which I had never come across!! Maybe Google had answers to some of those- but I wasn’t able to explore any alien search-engine. Typically I am bored, that’s why I am typing it all down in a word document, that if by some improbable knot in time and entropy- this .doc extension file is able to reach you, you might have some sort of empathy towards, yours truly, me and myself.
You might be more interested in the way they looked. As history of biology would have it, they looked kind of similar to us; they just had this beautiful godly halo around their heads. Bloody hell, everyone was extraordinarily riveting, someone was, well you know…
Some of them are having cotton white feathers, which move extremely fast as they fly around the top to check some stats. It took away your breath just to look at hundreds of flying- halo lighted, sophisticated and doing white collar jobs whose primary project at present was me.
Beep. Beep.
Well, one more text message…
“Welcome Suresh.”
In goddamn plain English……….
I am flabbergasted. Did they scrutinize my mind enough that they have ready reference to the day-to-day vocabulary that I used on earth to interact with other homo-sapiens?!
So previously it meant that they were just bantering with me while they dissected my memory for useful information!! Bloody hell, such temerity!!
Beep. Beep.
“We are gauging you.”
Like hell, you were, you nosy gits. Well use it; use it as much as you can…
Thank Goodness my society doesn’t consider me useful enough to impart me the knowledge of the defense and military program on our world and instead deemed it fit to fill my brain with the sweet aroma of urea and some other contents dominantly found in cow dung, or else they might have learned about it!!
Controlling my frustration, I type on my QWERTY keypad
“If this doesn’t sound extremely rude, may I ask you why?”
I looked at the wallpaper for about 5 minutes (which was actually pleasing to look at, because it was a pic of a supermodel, yup even scientists sometimes come out of abnormality big time), before I got a reply, they might have debated hotly as to how much information should we dish out to this extremely volatile ape stupidus.
Beep. Beep.
“We are checking you for your level of sin.”
What the hell!! Level of sin? Who the hell were they to judge whether I used a pesticide to kill an insect or I squeezed them between my fingers?
So I write “it does come as a surprise to me that you happen to consider yourself superior to other sentient beings, so much so that, you deem it fit to render judgment governed by your own rigid set of rules who is right, who is wrong, which of us is corrupted, which one is pure.”
Beep. Beep.
Well, when you are piqued, you are swift!!
“It is our opinion as we have experience of about few thousands of years serving humanity, we have by now gathered enough data that we can pass on judgment on any human, and sort them accordingly to various sections based on some standard set of criteria.”
Oh. Oh. Few thousand years, you say!
I write “Then, why were you having difficulty in understanding my language previously, and on which factor do you base your judgment?” I did show ‘judgment’ in italics, not wanting to hide my sarcasm, but for that they must be able to catch it.
Beep. Beep.
Faster than speed of light!
Maybe they needn’t had to wait for my text message to reach them, any comprehensive thought which I framed prior to my writing must have reached them before this text message. They must be playing this gig just to smoothen my nerve endings.
“We didn’t have difficulty in understanding your feelings at all, my friend. We were simply testing you how rapidly can you acclimatize with an alien situation, so that we may give you different medications accordingly so that it causes you psychological harm. But you are showing great adaptability, it would be easy to break the truth to you, it would be just matter of time. And as far as our judging criterion is concerned it’s your own conscience on the basis of which we sort you.”
Okay, that was enough. Well, am filled with self doubt. If this guy is indeed speaking the truth then I have an inkling that something happened to me…
I don’t particularly remember how I was zapped here. Last thing I remember I was driving a car…
Beep. Beep.
I am opening the message with trepidation.
“Son, there is no need to be afraid. Results are out. You are going to heaven.”
Hell, I am dead. That stupid truck hurtled my minivan in air. I am dead due to an accident. Shit!!!
Beep. Beep.
“Son, take this in an adventurous spirit. In few seconds a portal would open up on your left. Goodbye.”
I am numb. I gape dumbly at the left wall. A tiny dot of light appears. Slowly and steadily it enlarges itself into a man-hole.
I must say it was the least expected situation, but there it stood. I lost my mom, dad and my little brother to life! It indeed saddened my heart….
I looked back at the technicians; already they are loosing their interest in me once the judgment is passed, I am left to fend for myself.
With heavy hearts, I depart
From the World of Shit and Fart.
Leaving my family, breaking my heart,
Let me, again, my life, restart.
Well, it’s a stupid poem from a stupid guy who just won a lottery to Heaven. Till then, lol……….
Alienman 